- Category: Love and Relationship Readings
- Last Updated on March 23, 2012
- Written by Mark Blair
People in long-term relationships sometimes find themselves lying in bed with their partner, the TV is on CNN and their partner is reading a book, when the thought comes to them “Where did the spark go?”
While frustrating, the good news is that the spark hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s still there but other things in life prevent us from enjoying it like we used to.
One of the biggest obstacles to finding that spark is anxiety. We are a people who become anxious about everything! We are anxious about our jobs, about our salary, our bills, our home mortgage, the price of gas; there are a thousand things that we become anxious about. And as long as we hold in that anxiety, we cover up that spark that we are looking for.
Another cause of anxiety is when we feel we have lost the spark but think that everyone else has a “normal” life of passion with their partner. Comparing ourselves to friends and even neighbors is a fruitless task because they may be thinking the same thing about you!
Also, in spite of what you might hear from the TV commercials, this feeling of a lack of passion is not always a physical issue, something that can be cured by taking a little pill.
Childbirth and the subsequent changes in the body’s hormones can play a part in this feeling. It is worth the time to talk with your physician if you have given birth in the past 6 months and are still feeling a lack of passion.
Changes in lifestyle can cause a block from feeling our passion. Transferring to a new job, moving to a new house, the loss of a job or of a friend can cause enough anxiety to make us shut down when we would like to be passionate with our partner or lover.
Even just being tired can result in a loss of passion.
There are many reasons why we may not feel passionate, and the tendency is to say “The spark is gone”. The real question we should ask ourselves is “What is keeping me from feeling the spark?”
As is often the case in relationship problems, communication is key. Talk with your partner or lover about everything that’s going on in your life right now that might be causing stress. Is something causing you stress that has been around for a long time? Or is it something that will go away soon?
Is part of your stress a reaction to your partner’s stress? And is part of your stress the fear of how your partner is reacting to your stress? Stress and anxiety can be convoluted and these conversations with your partner can help clear the air of stories that each of makes up to explain the other’s behavior.
Rekindling passion is not so much fanning the flames of the spark as it is being in the state of mind to see the spark and allowing the flames to happen. There are many sites that talk about techniques to “rekindle the flame”. They all share some common themes that you can try.
Create a space in which to relax in with your partner. Put the kids to bed, shut off the TV, put on some music and turn down the volume. Just sit on the couch and hold each other. Spend some time this way. Don’t have expectations. Often the simple contact with another human being in a quiet place can have a great healing effect.
If it feels right after sitting with each other for awhile, brush each other’s hair, give each other a gentle back rub, just some additional contact with each other that feels good. Our mind and our body will begin to remember the sensations of being intimate with this person we love. Being in a quiet place with our partners like this reduces the noise of the stress and anxiety and makes us open to the feelings we remember.
Don’t push things! If you’ve sat quietly with your partner for an hour and this feels good, but doing anything else doesn’t, fine. Forcing things to happen when they don’t want to will only cause more stress!
This is a great activity to do spontaneously, but it’s also nice to schedule “quiet time” so that you and your partner have something to look forward to during the week. Pick a night and designate it as a quiet time to hold each other and chat.
Keep up this activity and allow yourselves to move into more intimate gestures as it feels right for the both of you. And don’t forget that the spark is still there, you are simply re-discovering it!
I know that this seems so simple, but we tend to overlook the simple methods for something complicated. Humans are complicated creatures. Many of our relationship problems, though, come from very simple origins!